More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
