Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This is my gift to your gina
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I did not marry a roomba.
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