I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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