He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
