just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he just fucked me for my cheese.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
