She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
