I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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