so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
