yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize