Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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