How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
