Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
