OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
