I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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