you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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