it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
