I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
