remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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