3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
