Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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