He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
