i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
