I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
