Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
