That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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