my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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