drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
