My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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