i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
