I can text with my tongue
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
