If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
