I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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