Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
