apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
