I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
