So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
