My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
