i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
