speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
