Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
