every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
