Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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