I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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