i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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