you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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