I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
