I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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