she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i've created a new STD.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
