Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
