I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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