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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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