Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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