i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
