I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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