when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
